Thursday, January 04, 2007

In Remembrance

Have you ever felt helpless? Totally, completely, and utterly helpless? Well, that has been me for the past few months. My family suffered a great loss on October 12th, 2006 with the passing of my grandmother. Nothing can prepare you for the sadness, the tears, the grief, the anger…the whole span of emotions that surface in times of tragedy.

It has been and continues to be a heavy weight in my life when I find my thoughts dwelling on the whole ordeal. As much as losing someone I love so dearly has affected me and as hard as it is for me to lose my dear sweet grandmother, it is even harder to see my mother grieve. I cannot even begin to imagine what she is going through. To lose a parent…I think I would seriously go off the deep end. My thoughts have been turning to some dear friends from college…Katie and Nicole, who lost their mothers suddenly…just months before their wedding dates, and Kelly who had to watch her father struggle with heart problems until he passed away two weeks before her daughter, his first grandchild, was born. I was saddened for them but to now have a closer glimpse of just a portion of what they went through and what they were feeling just breaks my heart.

But to lose a spouse…a spouse of 65 years…I have absolutely no point of reference. I don’t think my grandfather can remember life without her. We gathered at his house the Saturday before Christmas, as we always have, and he shared a dream with the whole family that he had shortly before Grandma Kathy passed away. He started by saying, “Before I lost my sweetheart...” and went on to share the dream and the last lucid emotionally intimate moment they had shared. That type of dedication, devotion, and love is so beautiful and so rare. And the sheer amount of helplessness I feel when it comes to my mother and my grandfather is overwhelming.

It has seemed like an endless line of hurdles in front of us for the past few months. The visitation, the funeral, seeing the headstone for the first time, Thanksgiving, and Christmas…with the tears, the regrets, and the memories prevalent…but we made it through all of that somehow.

My grandmother left a huge legacy though and her mark is and will always be on all of our hearts. She was such a strong woman and worked hard every day of her life. Because of this, she developed and battled multiple health issues as she aged…Osteoporosis, Autoimmune Hepatitis, Rheumatoid Arthritis, Osteoarthritis, Parkinson’s disease, and the beginning stages of a lung disease. She was able to function and keep these aliments under control for a very long time. But, she lost her oldest daughter, my Aunt Barbara, in April 2006, her oldest sister, Aunt Mary, the next month and then her youngest sister, Aunt Elizabeth, was diagnosed with terminal cancer (who ended up passing away less than 48 hrs after my grandmother). It was around that time that she started deteriorating. As I mentioned, she was so strong…she was able to stay composed and together under any situation. She had such grit. I think her body just couldn’t keep up under such strain, stress, and grief.

But, as hard as it is to say or believe at times, Life Goes On. Nicole and her husband Brad recently returned to the states from living in London, England for a few years, Katie and Shawn just purchased their first home, and Kelly and Ian have had two more beautiful daughters. We still have sad moments ahead of us...her birthday, future holidays, notable family events, and various other things she has always been a part of. But they are going to happen whether or not we let our lives stop. Time marches on, which is actually part of the healing if you let it be.

I am saddened that I have no more moments to share with Grandma Kathy but I am thankful for the 29 years full of moments that I do have. There is so much I could share about her to try to convey her character…from cute stories about the times she went on vacation with us to how she showed the type of unconditional love people yearn for. Or, how she made sure that someone took her tithes to church every week after she became too sick to attend services…my cousin was visiting her in the hospital and even with the pain that was racking her frail body she was very adamant that he remind someone to deliver her tithe. It’s virtually impossible to put into words just how special she was but my sister wrote a lovely eulogy that I think most closely captures the very true essence of my grandmother.

“My Grandmother’s Hands”
By: Ashley Fox

As I sat beside the bed holding her frail hand, I noticed the age spots and wrinkles and began to recall memories which included my grandmother's hands. Although they were not adorned with rich jewels or fancy nail polish, I always loved holding her hands and feeling the strength and warmth there. Through her hands my grandmother expressed her love and care for me and taught me lessons that allowed me to know what she valued in life.

I learned the importance of having a strong work ethic from my grandmother. I have heard stories of how my grandmother was a true helpmate to my grandfather. She worked in the garden with him to ensure that they could provide for their children. She washed, sewed, and mended clothing, she canned and preserved fruits and vegetables, and she worked at various outside jobs to make ends meet for the family. I honestly believe that my grandmother did not know the definition of "lazy". My grandmother had working hands.

From my grandmother, I learned that I must never be too busy to serve my family and friends. While she was able, my grandmother lived to serve others. Nothing thrilled her more than to be able to fix my favorite foods if I was coming to visit. I don’t know how she was able to memorize everybody’s favorites, but she did. When preparing family meals for Thanksgiving and Christmas, Grandma was always aware if she was including something everyone would like in the menu. Her house was always spotless; she cleaned and prepared for company because she wanted us to feel welcome. She always made me feel special because of how she prepared for my visits. She had a way of making me feel that my visiting her was a true pleasure. I know that she lived to serve her church family also. I can remember many times that grandmother needed to cook a dish for or make a phone call to someone in need from her church.
My grandmother had helping hands.

I learned the value of thoughtfulness from my grandmother. I can honestly say that my grandmother never once forgot my birthday. She wanted me to receive her card first and most of the time I did. Usually a small amount of money was included, but more importantly there was always a message telling me how much she and grandpa loved me and hoped my day would be special. Grandma loved having Christmas at her house. She would have several presents wrapped and waiting just in case someone showed up that she had not been expecting. She never wanted anyone to feel left out. If someone gave Grandma money for a birthday or other holiday present, she was always careful to let the person know what she had spent the money on and how much she had appreciated the gift. I can never recall my grandmother purposefully saying an unkind word about anybody. She defended those she loved and I knew that she would always be supportive of me. My grandmother had kind hands.

I watched my grandmother use her hands to praise the Lord. She praised him in worship, she praised him by collecting soup labels for the Church of God Children’s Home, and she praised him by reading the Bible in devotional time. She was faithful in prayer and I knew that before all else, my grandmother loved God. Many times in my life, I know her prayers had a direct effect on circumstances that I was going through, most recently the birth of my son. I had some complications and he was born six weeks early. I have no doubt that his miraculous health and short stay in the hospital, despite his weight of under four pounds, was a direct result of hers and Grandpa’s faith and their many prayers. In fact, Grandma proudly told everyone she knew about her “miracle baby” as she testified to God’s grace.
My grandmother had praying hands.

So, without knowing it, my quiet and unassuming grandmother was able to teach me many valuable lessons that I will carry with me throughout my life. Now, I have begun to realize that my grandmother’s hands were actually just an extension of Christ’s hands and through her I was able to have a glimpse of His love for me.

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